I am now back at home.
The past few days felt like the 4 longest days of my life and I am just very, very glad to be home again with Maia.
Wednesday went by like a blur. I was woken up by my nurse at 5am to inform me that I need to take a bath already so I'd be all cleaned up when the people from the OR fetch me.
I am emotionally ready. I have already thought of the worst possibilities I might encounter while on surgery and have already put my trust on my surgeon. I know she will do what she thinks is best for me.
But despite the mental preparation, I felt really clammy when I was wheeled in. I guess it's a pretty normal reaction considering that it is my first time to be in an operating room and definitely my first time to go under the knife. But I was telling myself to think happy thoughts. I thought of Maia's face when she giggles and it made it all better.
I was a bit shocked when my surgeon came in and told me she's doing the incision biopsy with me on local anesthesia for 30mins. Our discussion earlier during the week was that I will be put under general anesthesia from start to finish and hearing that I sort of felt panic. But I regained composure almost instantly. I recalled my earlier thoughts and decided that again my surgeon would know what's the best thing to do.
So for the first 30 mins of my scheduled 3-hour surgery, I was lying there both arms tied on the side waiting for the surgeons to finish taking samples of the tumor. Once they were done, I had to wait for 30 more minutes for the frozen section results. I kept the sunny disposition and decided to chat with the intern who was looking after the incision that was made earlier. We started laughing at my tumor since it was moving in all directions while the intern was applying pressure on the wound. It felt like I had a ball running wild inside my left breast.
Thirty minutes went by and my surgeon came back...sort of gloomy faced. She immediately announced that the labs proved the tumor was phylloides and patted me on the shoulder and told me they have to move on with the mastectomy. I just nodded my head and got myself ready for the show. It took just a few seconds for them to put me to sleep.
...after 2 hours, I woke up in the recovery room with a throbbing pain. It felt more intense than the pain I had when I gave birth. I immediately asked for pain relief and they signalled to the IV drip above my head. The nurses told me to just do breathing exercises so battle the pain. I guess I sort of felt asleep again because the next time I woke up, I was already being wheeled out of the recovery room. It was still very painful and the sight of Mommy and Tibs gave me an excuse to cry out the pain.
Thirty minutes after I was settled in my room, the pain finally went away. And my old bubbly self is back. To all who offered prayers, I could never thank you enough. I know God never left me all through out the surgery. I know because I would never have the strength I had without his help.
To everybody who made time to visit despite their busy schedules, I am very grateful because you made me feel really loved and you definitely lifted my spirits.
I may be left with only one breast at 30 but I have my friends and family to compensate for the loss. And despite knowing that it was my pregnancy that triggered the tumor to grow aggressively up to the size of a tennis ball, I have no regrets for choosing to get pregnant and have Maia. And if I had to, I will readily give up my other breast without skipping a beat, for her. Motherhood is something I will never trade for the world.