Hope and Prayers. These and the love of family and friends kept me going everyday.
Yesterday, I was again filled with anxiety as I opened the folder that contained the results of my CT Scans. My hands were trembling but I'd rather see it then and there than wait for my doctor to announce the bad news if there is. I scanned the document for a few seconds and decided to sit down so I can clearly grasp every word that's written on this precious document. First few paragraphs had a lot of medical jargon written on them but I understood what they said.
My heart leaped after I saw the words clear and unremarkable. My lungs and liver are clear! Woooo-hoooo!!!! I wanted to ran back home and hug Maia. But then, I immediately gathered my composure since it's never going to be final unless my doctor says it. It has to come from her.
When I reached the clinic, I cannot hide the smile on my face. She asked me if I've seen the results. I said yes. "So how was it?" I said my understanding is that I'm clear. "Ok. Let's take a look" So one by one she took out the films. By the time she's done with the last film, she also had a grin on her face. I was soooo happy. Then she just said..."that's it. So far we're okay. You can relax now. Basta just to don't be lazy to see me regularly ha? Don't be like the others, they disappear after sometime." I just nodded my head. Of course I will be there. I will not miss any of my appointments. I will remain a very good and obedient patient (hehe).
Getting the scans done was not easy for me. It was one of the most painful procedures I've gone through besides the surgery (but then I was asleep so this is still the winner) in this lifetime. The scanning procedure itself was just easy breezy. What was painful was I had to be injected with 50cc of IV contrast (iodine solution one of the nurses said) so the technicians can get a clearer picture of my organs. My veins were however too tiny and too narrow to handle the instant injection that for a minute, I felt like my arm was going to explode. I was not allowed to move so I can only cry out in pain. After that my body felt like hot water was being poured over it. In a few seconds it was replaced but a cold sensation. All these I guess was so stressful for my body that I was not able to stop myself from throwing up. I'm a nightmare for nurses. Haha. But all that felt like nothing now...the sacrifice was worth it... the scans are clear that's all that matters.
Again, thank you to YOU who never forgets to include me in your everyday prayers. Thank you to YOU who never failed to cheer me up when I am on the verge of giving up. You are right. God is Good.
I know I'm still not safe from this monster. Cancer is still cancer. But I will continue to fight. I will continue to stay positive that eventually, somebody will come up with a cure for this disease that I have. For now, I have the optimistic attitude, the lifestyle change (go organic! gulay na lang!), the diligence for my monthly check ups and all your prayers as my weapons. I believe these should be enough get me through this storm.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Shaking off the anxiety
Dear Lord,
I am again scheduled to visit my doctor today. I pray that you give me enough strength to face and accept whatever news she has for me. I was telling my sister early today that we've had so many surprises already this month and I am hoping that it stops here. I know this is just to much to take already and my family is only trying so much to hold their individual selves together for me.
I would like to thank you for blessing me with so people who cares and loves me. Despite of the distance, friends are there to cry with me when I need to vent out all my worries. I thank you for giving me people to talk to when I need somebody to perk me up and take my mind off the anxieties that have been building up since we received the bad news. I thank you for friends and family who never get tired of asking me how I am doing. Having them around always make my day a lot brighter.
I thank you most especially for helping me find a support group. Linking up with people who are going through the same experience as I am is very comforting. Knowing that there are people who survived this disease for years gives me a lot of hope and optimism that I will win this fight.
Lastly, I thank you for giving me my daughter. She always gives me the enthusiasm to wake up and live the day as if I have nothing to worry about.
I am again scheduled to visit my doctor today. I pray that you give me enough strength to face and accept whatever news she has for me. I was telling my sister early today that we've had so many surprises already this month and I am hoping that it stops here. I know this is just to much to take already and my family is only trying so much to hold their individual selves together for me.
I would like to thank you for blessing me with so people who cares and loves me. Despite of the distance, friends are there to cry with me when I need to vent out all my worries. I thank you for giving me people to talk to when I need somebody to perk me up and take my mind off the anxieties that have been building up since we received the bad news. I thank you for friends and family who never get tired of asking me how I am doing. Having them around always make my day a lot brighter.
I thank you most especially for helping me find a support group. Linking up with people who are going through the same experience as I am is very comforting. Knowing that there are people who survived this disease for years gives me a lot of hope and optimism that I will win this fight.
Lastly, I thank you for giving me my daughter. She always gives me the enthusiasm to wake up and live the day as if I have nothing to worry about.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
CT Scans and whatnots
I recently signed up on a support alliance for Phyllodes Tumor patients. It feels good to finally find people who share the same worries with me. Reading one of the community members comments of us being the lottery winners when it came to this tumor because we belong to the 1% of the population made me laugh.
So anyways, as I was going through the previous post, my initial fear that there's really no defined treatment for PT (Phyllodes Tumor) patients has been confirmed.
When we were informed that the tumor was malignant, we immediately asked my doctor what treatment options are available for us. She told us, for now, chemo/radiation therapy is the last resort. But that's only when there's metastasis already. For now, we just have to closely monitor my body through regular check ups. What we should be looking out for is the incidence of a recurrence. I was telling my family that this whole thing does not really scare me. But what I cannot handle right now is another surgery this year. I don't think my body can handle another surgical invasion after a mastectomy.
Later today, I am hoping to finally finish the CT Scan so we can get a clearer picture by the end of this week. We've been praying really hard that it stays clear so we can at least set aside our worries for the meantime.
So anyways, as I was going through the previous post, my initial fear that there's really no defined treatment for PT (Phyllodes Tumor) patients has been confirmed.
When we were informed that the tumor was malignant, we immediately asked my doctor what treatment options are available for us. She told us, for now, chemo/radiation therapy is the last resort. But that's only when there's metastasis already. For now, we just have to closely monitor my body through regular check ups. What we should be looking out for is the incidence of a recurrence. I was telling my family that this whole thing does not really scare me. But what I cannot handle right now is another surgery this year. I don't think my body can handle another surgical invasion after a mastectomy.
Later today, I am hoping to finally finish the CT Scan so we can get a clearer picture by the end of this week. We've been praying really hard that it stays clear so we can at least set aside our worries for the meantime.
Friday, January 23, 2009
My dear little Maia
Good morning baby. Mommy is currently going through so much as she writes this. She's trying hard to stay optimistic and sunny despite the nerve wracking news that she and Daddy received last Wednesday. For you sweetie. Mommy will fight this.
Before Mommy had you, she was a cry baby in every sense of the word. She would cry over small stuff and would cry harder when things get tougher. But that does not mean that she's weak, that's just how Mommy expresses her emotions when she's sad, frustrated or disappointed. Once the tears ebb down, the worries go with it. Then Mommy's all better. Nevertheless, people around Mommy especially Daddy, GrandMa and GrandPa does not like it when Mommy cries. So Mommy vowed to control the tears when Mommy was already carrying you. Guess what, you did help Mommy on this mission. From the moment you were born till about a month ago, she's finally mastered the art of crying.
But it seems all that was temporary. When Wednesday's news sunk in, the tears came back. You know why? Because Mommy kept thinking of you. Of how small and young you are yet. You do not deserve to be deprived of her love and attention just yet. Mommy did not cry when she received the news but she cries when her thoughts are flooded by you.
Mommy is now praying for strenght to fight this fight so she can spend a longer time with you. When Mommy's all better, she will take an advocacy to help others just like her. And she will do it with you. Because you are her inspiration for taking on this fight.
Mommy vows to be around to witness many of your firsts. I love you very very much baby. You are Mommy's world.
Before Mommy had you, she was a cry baby in every sense of the word. She would cry over small stuff and would cry harder when things get tougher. But that does not mean that she's weak, that's just how Mommy expresses her emotions when she's sad, frustrated or disappointed. Once the tears ebb down, the worries go with it. Then Mommy's all better. Nevertheless, people around Mommy especially Daddy, GrandMa and GrandPa does not like it when Mommy cries. So Mommy vowed to control the tears when Mommy was already carrying you. Guess what, you did help Mommy on this mission. From the moment you were born till about a month ago, she's finally mastered the art of crying.
But it seems all that was temporary. When Wednesday's news sunk in, the tears came back. You know why? Because Mommy kept thinking of you. Of how small and young you are yet. You do not deserve to be deprived of her love and attention just yet. Mommy did not cry when she received the news but she cries when her thoughts are flooded by you.
Mommy is now praying for strenght to fight this fight so she can spend a longer time with you. When Mommy's all better, she will take an advocacy to help others just like her. And she will do it with you. Because you are her inspiration for taking on this fight.
Mommy vows to be around to witness many of your firsts. I love you very very much baby. You are Mommy's world.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Just a little bit more faith and a tougher heart
My tissue biopsy results were released yesterday.
While the hubby was looking forward to hearing my doctor deliver a positive note, I had a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that it might not be as pretty as we would like it to be. To be on the safe side, I prepared myself for the worse.
Turns out, my instinct was correct.
The tumor is malignant. But unlike the time when my doctor told me my left breast had to be taken out, this one did not shock me anymore. I guess my preparation paid off after all.
So while we discuss the further actions that we need to take in order to prevent or maybe combat the worse that's yet to come, my mind floated to the confines of our bedroom where our little Maia spends most of her time playing, cooing and giggling. My heart felt like it's being crumpled to pieces. Surprisingly though, I never shed a tear. The lady who used to be a crybaby did not shed a single tear! I guess, this whole experience is indeed starting to toughen me up.
Now, in the next two weeks or so...I will undergo more testing just to ensure that the malignant 'cells' (i don't know if that's even the correct term for it) has metastasized to my lungs and liver. But now, I feel there's a light at the end of the tunnel. God seems to be telling me to hold on a little longer and keep the faith going. The should be an end to all of this.
As we leave my doctor's clinic, I took the hubby's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. We will get through this.
While the hubby was looking forward to hearing my doctor deliver a positive note, I had a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that it might not be as pretty as we would like it to be. To be on the safe side, I prepared myself for the worse.
Turns out, my instinct was correct.
The tumor is malignant. But unlike the time when my doctor told me my left breast had to be taken out, this one did not shock me anymore. I guess my preparation paid off after all.
So while we discuss the further actions that we need to take in order to prevent or maybe combat the worse that's yet to come, my mind floated to the confines of our bedroom where our little Maia spends most of her time playing, cooing and giggling. My heart felt like it's being crumpled to pieces. Surprisingly though, I never shed a tear. The lady who used to be a crybaby did not shed a single tear! I guess, this whole experience is indeed starting to toughen me up.
Now, in the next two weeks or so...I will undergo more testing just to ensure that the malignant 'cells' (i don't know if that's even the correct term for it) has metastasized to my lungs and liver. But now, I feel there's a light at the end of the tunnel. God seems to be telling me to hold on a little longer and keep the faith going. The should be an end to all of this.
As we leave my doctor's clinic, I took the hubby's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. We will get through this.
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